Kuching Kong Hokkien Uoa Kong Huey

Peng Eu! Ho bo?!

As Supreme High Chancellor, Ph.D(Sociolinguistics - Hokkien)(Petaling Street University), M.A. in Teaching Hokkien as a Second Language (University of Padungan), B.A. (Language Studies - Hokkien)Hons(Civic Centre College), of the Kuching Kong Hokkien Uoa Kong Huey (Kuching Speak Hokkien Language Association), I feel that it is most appropriate to compose this post in Hokkien.

However, due to the necessity of reaching out to a wider audience with this propaganda broadcast (and due to the complexities of composing a post in Hokkien), this post shall instead be in English.

Greetings my fellow Hokkien Language lovers. It is imperative and of the utmost urgency that I relay this most grievous news to you all. The proud bastion of the Hokkien language, the fair city of Kuching, is under threat from the imperialist Mandarin language.

Less than 25 years ago, Hokkien was the lingua franca of the Chinese people in Kuching. From the upper class elitist to the common class rabble and further extending down to the peasant peons (yes, that means you, the reader!), Hokkien was the language of choice for them all. If it is to be believed, according to propaganda broadcasts from that era, even the other races in the city knew how to speak basic Hokkien.

How far we have fallen from those glorious heights. With the rapid rise of the sleeping dragon that is China and the Mandarin language that they advocate, Kuching too has not been spared from the negative effects of globalisation. The imperialist Mandarin language pig-dogs have taken full advantage of this and have planted a strong foothold in our city.

More and more Chinese youngsters are now speaking Mandarin (with the aid of the Chinese schools that they attend) and ignoring the original Chinese dialect of Kuching, Hokkien. It is of great shame for me to say that most Chinese youngsters nowadays do not speak a word of Hokkien. Oh! The shame! The dishonour! The majority of Hokkien speakers nowadays consist of the older generations. This does not forebode well for my dream of a city (and further down the road, an empire) that speaks nothing but the Hokkien language.

The Hokkien language in Kuching is an important cultural identity for our city. It serves to remind us of our roots, our forefathers and most importantly, our cultural supremacy that shall one day overrun the region and crush all those who oppose the Hokkien language! If the Hokkien language should fall in Kuching, so shall the city itself! We will be Kuching no longer. We might as well be called the city of Anjing, as it will make no difference. Lawlessness and chaos will then reign supreme in our city as "Ni hao ma?" and "Ta jia hao!" will run rampant across the city.

As such and for the survival of our cultural identity and supremacy, I urge us all, from the pathetic slaves to the snobbish nobility, to wake up from our complacent attitude towards the blasphemous Mandarin language insurgency and crush it once and for all! Viva La Hokkien!

For a start, here are 3 simple ways you can support the Kuching Kong Hokkien Uoa Kong Huey.

1. Stare incredulously at any person that attempts to engage you in a Mandarin language conversation, as if they've just said the most ridiculous thing in the world about your mother. Reply back with a Hokkien swear word of your choice. A simple 'Mai Ji Bai' should do the trick. Follow it up by spitting on the ground. If he/she still attempts to converse in Mandarin, physical violence is then deemed necessary.
   
2. Join the weekly Kuching Kong Hokkien Uoa Kong Huey demonstration at Hui Sing Garden every Friday night at 7 PM. Don't miss out! Oh, and do bring your most creative self-made banners (must be in Hokkien). Proudly sponsored and fully endorsed by the Wawaweewa Gang.
3. Buy the official "Kong Hokkien Uoa!™" line of merchandise that is available at your nearest Kuching Kong Hokkien Uoa Kong Huey branch office. We have a special on our popular Button Badges that will last til the end of this month. Buy 2 and get 1 free. Buy the original! Belilah yang ori! For further inquiries, please contact 1-800-HOKKIEN-UOA.
   

T-Shirt (Black/White) - RM 39.90
Cap (Black/White) - RM 29.90
Knowing how to speak Hokkien - Priceless

*Does not come with model. Model sold separately. Further details can be arranged by calling the number above*

I'm also taking the opportunity to say how disappointed I was with the turnout for our fund raising project which was carried out last month.

This traditional Chinese opera in our beloved Hokkien language was held at the stage (next to Medan Pelita) opposite the Chinese temple at the end of Carpenter Street as part of our fund raising activities. Proceeds from the fund raising goes directly into the 'Funds for the Betterment of our Beloved Supreme High Chancellor', with the next item on the list a Mitsubishi EVO X.

Check out my blow-your-mind-fo-shizzle-ma-nizzy jacked up ride yo. Complete with custom decals.

And the turnout was a measly 7 people! Count 'em! Unbe-friggin-lievable. How am I gonna get my new car?! Never the less, looking at the bright side, it could have been worst. It could have been a no turnout. So to those 7 people, my heartfelt thanks for supporting me, your Supreme High Chancellor. As for the rest of you people, I am your Supreme High Chancellor so worship me, motherfuckers!