All's Well That Ends Well

X'mas turned out pretty well for me. Dad's health was just a scare, so he's alright. And I've patched things up with my friend, so that's alright as well.

I've never made New Year resolutions before, but I guess my first ever for next year would be to be in more control of my feelings, especially jealousy. Heh.

Merry X'mas.

I Spoke Too Soon

The green eyed monster never left. And this time, the fucking beast has strained a friendship of mine. I thought I had it out of my system but it came back, vicious as ever, seemingly determined to prove me wrong.

Aargh..who am I kidding? I'm weak. And stupid. I knew the damage that jealousy could do but when it reared its ugly head, I just wasn't strong enough to ignore it. Instead, I was stupid enough to lash out at its goading.

And now, I'm paying the price. I always knew how to correctly respond to emotions and situations like this. But knowing how to respond correctly and whether you're strong enough to carry out the proper response are totally different things. I always thought I was strong enough to respond correctly, but I was wrong.

I was right about one thing though. My whole post on jealousy. That

Jealousy -> Paranoia
Paranoia -> Distrust
Distrust -> Conflict

That it's destructive. That it's irrational, illogical and impulsive. I was right about it all.

It doesn't take much. There were so many reasons why I shouldn't lash out but in the end, the green haze blurred all those reasons out and only focused on that one stupid reason why I should lash out. That one silly reason that was filled with so many presumptions and assumptions, but still, foolishly lashed out I did. I walked right into its trap.

Jealousy turns you into a suspicious bastard. Every single small, minor detail turns into a reason to distrust someone. You become a senseless fool, ready to believe that the whole world is against you. That harmless things are actually something meant to hurt you. You build mountains out of molehills. You make jelly out of pudding. You make a big deal over a small thing.

The look that I got. Anger. Disbelief. Disgust. If looks could kill, I'd be in a coma right now.

I sincerely hope it'll turn out alright. I'm the one to blame here, no excuses. Dear Lord, please don't let me be like that ever again. Let this post serve as a reminder to never, ever be such a jealous idiot again.

It did serve to remind me how important friendships are though, and to never ever take them for granted.

I'd also like to thank my friends who tried to help and advise after the incident. Thanks too for bearing with me when I behaved petulantly, not only this time but every time I've been like that.

Something else troubling has popped up for me. My dad's health. Hopefully it'll turn out alright too. Christmas has always usually been a very mute affair for me, but this year, it doesn't look all that merry for me.

Merry X'mas, Jason Chang.

How Things Change So Quickly

It's amazing how things can change so fast in just a space of a few days. Remember my posts on Dec 3 and 5? The reason that spurred me to post those posts isn't going to bother me anymore I dare say.

It also proves that I was right in my prediction that it was only a matter of time that something would pop up and make me move on.

CU-02 in Love by Goro Fujita

Here's another gem from CG Society, this time it's a whole story by an extremely talented artist whose style I really like, Goro Fujita. Enjoy.

Funny Little Things in Life

Heh..it's little things like this that makes life so interesting. So a couple of months back, someone I didn't know added me on Friendster. I still remember thinking to myself at the time, "Who's this person?" But I accepted the invite anyway.

Fast forward a couple of months later, and I'm attending the Red Crescent's Annual Gathering Camp in school. Made a new friend there. So I go to Friendster to look her up and surprise surprise, the stranger that added me so long ago is my new found friend.

It's kinda like discovering your boyfriend/girlfriend is your long lost brother/sister. Except it's less drastic. Hehe.

The Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy is the dragon in paradise; the hell of heaven; and the most bitter of the emotions because associated with the sweetest.

~A. R. Orage


Jealousy, the green eyed monster. Money is the root of all evil, but I reckon that jealousy can give money a run for its money (no pun intended) as the root of all evil.

Similar to what a famous green skinned alien (no relation to the green eyed monster) in a galaxy far, far away once said, though his was in reference to fear, "Jealousy leads to paranoia. Paranoia leads to distrust. Distrust leads to conflict." And before you know it, your whole world has collapsed and you're living in your very own personal green hell.

It's a destructive emotion if not controlled. It's irrational and denies all logic, and it's impulsive, based largely on a person's raw and powerful feelings. It's often easy to analyse and find the source of jealousy, but understanding why the source causes jealousy is often illogical and does not obey any rationale. It's a perfect example of heart over mind.

You can find out why you're being jealous and come up with a hundred and one ways why you shouldn't be feeling jealous, but despite all that it's always the one and only illogical reason you have to be jealous that matters and overpowers all the other reasons. Sometimes there doesn't even need to be a reason, you're just jealous.

Uncontrolled, the feelings of illogicality and irrationality manifest themselves as paranoia, where every slight action by anyone is perceived as a threat and may cause the loss of the object the person holds dear.

Hand in hand with paranoia, comes distrust of everyone, including close acquaintances, causing a breakdown in relations and conflict to set in.

But jealous souls will not be answer'd so;
They are not ever jealous for the cause;
But jealous for they are jealous;
'tis a monster;
Begot upon itself, born on itself

~ Emilia, William Shakespeare's Othello

Recipe for my mood

A cup of bitterness, a dash of cynicalness and a tablespoon of jealousy is how I'm feeling right now. Bleh..what a potent mix of venom. This is one concoction I'd like to go without. I'd rather have a cup of Teh-C-Peng.

I hate it when I feel this way. I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, but like what Gerard said, the heart is not like a water tap where you can just turn your feelings off. The following quote sums it up perfectly as well.

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."

Still sucks though.

On a sidenote, STPM is over! Got myself a little treat for the beginning of hols.


Installing as I type.