I Spoke Too Soon

The green eyed monster never left. And this time, the fucking beast has strained a friendship of mine. I thought I had it out of my system but it came back, vicious as ever, seemingly determined to prove me wrong.

Aargh..who am I kidding? I'm weak. And stupid. I knew the damage that jealousy could do but when it reared its ugly head, I just wasn't strong enough to ignore it. Instead, I was stupid enough to lash out at its goading.

And now, I'm paying the price. I always knew how to correctly respond to emotions and situations like this. But knowing how to respond correctly and whether you're strong enough to carry out the proper response are totally different things. I always thought I was strong enough to respond correctly, but I was wrong.

I was right about one thing though. My whole post on jealousy. That

Jealousy -> Paranoia
Paranoia -> Distrust
Distrust -> Conflict

That it's destructive. That it's irrational, illogical and impulsive. I was right about it all.

It doesn't take much. There were so many reasons why I shouldn't lash out but in the end, the green haze blurred all those reasons out and only focused on that one stupid reason why I should lash out. That one silly reason that was filled with so many presumptions and assumptions, but still, foolishly lashed out I did. I walked right into its trap.

Jealousy turns you into a suspicious bastard. Every single small, minor detail turns into a reason to distrust someone. You become a senseless fool, ready to believe that the whole world is against you. That harmless things are actually something meant to hurt you. You build mountains out of molehills. You make jelly out of pudding. You make a big deal over a small thing.

The look that I got. Anger. Disbelief. Disgust. If looks could kill, I'd be in a coma right now.

I sincerely hope it'll turn out alright. I'm the one to blame here, no excuses. Dear Lord, please don't let me be like that ever again. Let this post serve as a reminder to never, ever be such a jealous idiot again.

It did serve to remind me how important friendships are though, and to never ever take them for granted.

I'd also like to thank my friends who tried to help and advise after the incident. Thanks too for bearing with me when I behaved petulantly, not only this time but every time I've been like that.

Something else troubling has popped up for me. My dad's health. Hopefully it'll turn out alright too. Christmas has always usually been a very mute affair for me, but this year, it doesn't look all that merry for me.

Merry X'mas, Jason Chang.